Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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