I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
