he puts the penis in happiness.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
