Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
