1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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