no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
