At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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