totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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