My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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