i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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