sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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