she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
