omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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