I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
