did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
