Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
