new low.... made out with someone while peeing
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
