the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
