You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
