The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
