my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
