Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
