Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
