First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
