I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
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Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.