I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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