she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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