my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
