There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
