I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
