maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
