i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
