I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
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I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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