Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
