your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
