Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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