i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
