Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Your penis caused this!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
