I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
im six kinds of drunk right now
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
