oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
