I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
