Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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