I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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