I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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