my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
