i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
