So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
