All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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