Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
there's paper in my vomit.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
