You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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