I'm jealous of your bromance
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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