I wish I could teleport
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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