if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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