the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
