if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
