Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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